


Upon the stars

by fiercebbcarrot



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Adam Lambert - Freeform, Car Accident, Dark fic, Death, Grief/Mourning, Love, M/M, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:08:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiercebbcarrot/pseuds/fiercebbcarrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>”If someone ever asked me how many shooting stars I've seen during my lifetime, I wouldn't be able to answer truthfully. Hundreds. Thousands. Too many to know that the legend about a shooting star and a wish was only hopeful thinking.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Upon the stars

**Author's Note:**

> ”Just like the constellations we fade  
> as blades of sunlight send night away.”
> 
> Weirdly inspired by those lines in By The Rules by. Adam Lambert.  
> This work couldn't be more fiction. I'm sorry if it upsets someone, it really isn't a happy one.

Stars. I couldn't understand how I had never before noticed their beauty and mysteriousness. How they covered the whole sky, together forming thousands of different constellations. How they made the dark and mirthless nightsky look beautiful and luminous, almost magical. They showed the way to a lost man, together with the moon enlightening the whole firmament.

 

But one by one every single one of them died out eventually.

 

Once again my footsteps had brought me outside in the middle of the night, all the way up to my roof terrace. More often than often my mind automatically guided me to sit on these oaken boards when I couldn't sleep and the sky was cloudless. If someone ever asked me how many shooting stars I've seen during my lifetime, I wouldn't be able to answer truthfully. Hundreds. Thousands. Too many to know that the legend about a shooting star and a wish was only hopeful thinking. How many times I've wished for nothing. How many times I still wished – maybe it was just an obsessional habit. Or maybe, somewhere deep in that part of my mind that was still just a little kid, I thought I could get my wishes through. Despite all that, I knew it was realistically impossible.

 

Without realizing it a sad smile had creeped its way up to my lips as my eyes found the familiar, brightest star. Its color fluttered like a flame, but never disappeared completely. It almost looked like it was waving right down at me. I felt an iron fist clench around my heart, although unable to swipe away that small, heartbreaking smile that was still curving the corners of my lips.

 

As I looked up at the sky, a picture of dark lake's waters creeped into my mind. Waters that night has calmed, waters which surface was as smooth as mirror's. Stars delineated themselves onto those waters just as beautifully as they originally shined. Reflected to water stars looked like you could just reach out and pic up one of them, carry it with you and show it all of the love this world would be able to give. But that wouldn't be possible. None of the Mother Nature's powers would be able to bring you a star from the sky. Not even that one, most brightly twinkling glimmer that I wasn't able to remove my gaze from. Not even for one night.

 

Water wasn't the only surface whereof the stars reflected the most beautifully. For about a millionth time I imagined a person laying next to me, a person that owned the most beautiful eyes in the whole planet earth. Those eyes had mesmerized me at that very first time I met their owner. He himself was also the most mesmerizing, greatest and sweetest person I had ever had pleasure to know, a person that I could whenever take a bullet for. Do anything for him.

 

But when the time came, I wasn't doing it.

 

We had tend to sit on this roof and look up at the stars. We had searched new kind of constellations, name all of them in a completely ridiculous ways and then laugh at them later. I couldn't find their funniness anymore. I couldn't even see them anymore without an explaining finger next to me, drawing every detail with care. Usually he was just frustrated about the fact that I couldn't see in his opinion an obvious walrus in a washbowl, then had given up and moved to the next figure. However, for the most of the time, I just watched his eyes. How beautifully the stars glided on the tide-blue surface. Many times he had protested how the whole idea was to look at the stars, but every time my answer had been the same ”I do”, making his perfect lips curve into a heartwarming smile.

 

But those days had been over for a year now. Despite that, while watching at the ink-black sky created by night, all I could do was to think about him. Think about him laying beside me. I had learned to keep my eyes on the sky, learned to not look next to me, knowing it would only add this pain. He was gone, and would never again be laying with me on the rooftop, giggling at my drowsy babbling about how much I loved him.

 

The love of my life had died in a car crash which another victim was now blamed because of a serious drunken state while driving a car and causing another man's death. The agony I had felt was indescribable, I didn't know how I was supposed to live with it. The feeling that striked me to my knees in the middle of a day at work. Why hadn't I felt anything, I still kept asking from myself. I thought we were connected with some kind of invisible bond, that I would feel if it broke. I couldn't believe that at that very moment when it happened, I could have been laughing at the joke Tommy just scratched.

 

The feeling I experienced when I saw his pale body, the last time I kissed his ice cold lips that gave in under mine, when I looked at his closed eyelids knowing that I would never again see the stars dancing on their oceanic blue irises.

 

At that morning I had supposedly been too busy to tell him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me, that I couldn't imagine life without him. Had been too busy to kiss him one last time. I knew I would be blaming myself for the rest of my life. There was no time given to me so I could just say good bye. To see his eyes fulfill with tears one last time, touch his still warm lips with mine. For one last time.

 

Suddenly I felt something wet hit my cheek. I hadn't even noticed the barrier of tears in my eyes. Maybe I was just used to the feeling – I had experienced it way too often in such a short time. First I hadn't been able to bear it, all I had wanted was to sleep away and be a star next to my love. But slowly I had managed to start thinking about it clearly, learned to imagine how enraged, disappointed and sad he would be if he only knew about my thoughts. So I didn't let these thoughts be anything but thoughts, bit by bit burying them deeper into the cold and stony ground. I had learned to sweep away the sadness darkening my memories, now remembering him almost entirely with warmth and happiness, deep appreciation and blessings. With all the things he had brought into my life, things that even after he had sailed away had somehow kept their places. I was immensely thankful for him.

 

I hadn't noticed the break of dawn behind the Hollywood hills until it had braided its slim blades of sunlight to the sky. The stars closest to it were already almost invisible as the morning sky turned from slight pink to yellowish. That was when I saw the night's last shooting star fly nearby my star while it waved me one last time. I watched as star after star settled to rest so in the next night they could rise again to twinkle lightness into the ink-black sky. I smiled to my star.

 

”Good night, Sauli."  



End file.
